Dad is back in the hospital.  One of the maintainence chemos (administered in the hospital) knocked him out of commission for a bit.  First his kidneys started failing, they're finally back on the mend, and now he has a nasty chest infection.  The main thing the chemo does is stops cell production, so Dad's throat, mouth and lips are extremely and most painfully sore.  With the cells unable to replicate his throat, mouth and lips can't heal.  Which means he can't swallow and the constant coughing up of fluid is wrecking havoc.

 

Oy vey.

 

I'm still exhausted and Dad being ill adds more stress which compounds my exhaustion.  Anyway, suddenly Dad can't be alone in the hospital which means I'm there longer than I should be.  But he's my dad, what else would I do?  On top of that, it seems my strength of sleep med isn't working out anymore.  I dread increasing the dosage because there's only so far I can go with this med.  After I hit the max and it no longer works what else is there for me to use?  Nothing, this is the top of line medication.

 

Double oy vey.

 

 

 

Dad continues to recover though he is losing more and more hair each day.  His maintainence chemo continues, we misunderstood the doctor thinking chemo was over.  However, I've been sick for almost a week now and haven't been able to see dad as he can't risk an infection.  Thankfully my in-laws have been driving him around.

 

 

 

Dad is officially in remission!

 

He needed a blood transfusion this week which has helped him out greatly.  I don't know if another one will be required, not a big deal if he does.  Actually his body will now be able to replenish its blood supply without worrying about the leukemia and chemo destroying what it makes.

 

I can't tell you how much of a rollarcoaster this has been for me.  I was constantly swinging between calm and peaceful to depressed and afraid.  Quite tiring.  I feel a bit feckless, like I should have had faith during the bad times too but I let my fear win out every time.  Hopefully lesson learned.

 

Anyway, we are through the worst and hopefully it will be a good long while before the leukemia returns.

 

 

 

Good news.  Dad's leukemia is going into remission!  So unexpected but very welcomed. 

 

So just five days left of chemo.  Then a lumbar pick to make sure the cancer didn't travel to the spinal canal.  After that a biopsy of bone marrow to officially say the leukemia is in remission.

 

Happy day!!

 

 

 

Well the chemo has officially kicked in.  Dad is weak and very tired, he lost his appetite and his mouth is so sensitive that even if he had an appetite it's hard to eat.  But his spirit is still there, so that's the good thing.  Also his white blood count is 0.6 (it should be in the 4.0 - 11.0 range) which means he can't fight any type of infection no matter how minor so we're all extremely careful wearing masks and washing our hands and disinfecting surfaces or just calling him when we have any type of cold symptoms. 

 

And of course my fear of losing him has resurfaced.  I don't recall ever being so fearful in all my life.  Maybe dreading a class because I didn't do a project or facing my parents with a bad report card but nothing like this.  My dad tells me I'm trying to do things (like calm my fear) with my head when I need to be doing it with my heart.  I know he's right but...

 

 

 

Dad continues to do well despite the fact the chemo side effects should...well, be in effect.  It's still early yet but if now is any indicator of how this process is going to go then the outlook looks quite bright.  Praise God!

 

 

 

Lest you think my last entry about Dad has left me despondent, fear not.  While definitely shocking I am (mostly) at peace with things because my dad is at peace with things.  So many good things have happened because of the cancer.  So many people's lives have been touched because of my dad.  So many blessings created out of tragedy, how can I stay upset?

 

Dad came home from the hospital last Saturday.  We went to chemo this week (his second week of it) and all seems to be going well.  Though he was sad about learning he'll lose his beard due but now he's okay with it and even plans on shaving his head at the first sign of fall out.  Actually he looks better than he has in the past couple of months.  His strength is back, before the diagnosis and treatment simply walking exhausted him almost beyond what his body could handle.  His color is back too.  He had been gray for so long I had forgotten what he should look like.

 

And Christmas was beautiful.  My aunt and uncle came down from Phoenix to join us and my in-laws.  Everyone cooked which is a big deal because my dad is the chef and the kitchen is his kingdom.  Instead dad walked around giving advice thoroughly enjoying the togetherness of making dinner.  Talk was fast and free flowing and the love for each was tangible.  It really was lovely and a Christmas I won't soon forget.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!!

 

 

 

I borrowed this idea from Evelyn Jane, her blog is truly one of my favorites reads and if you haven't checked it out do it now! 

 

I am: too comfortable.

I think: too much.

I know: less than I'd like to.

I want: to accomplish my dreams.

I have: a wonderful husband.

I wish: for an ice cream Dove bar.  Mmm...

I hate: ignorance.

I miss: my best friend.

I fear: losing Steve.

I feel: many things, sometimes I feel too much.

I hear: a song playing.

I smell: my strawberry chapstick.

I crave: sunshine.

I search: my heart.

I wonder: if God is real.

I regret: nothing.

I love: books.

I ache: for answers.

I care: for my family.

I always: giggle about giggling when I'm tired.

I am not: as ditzy as I seem.

I belive: in love, in respect, in compassion.

I dance: when alone.

I sing: all of the time.

I don't always: feel like cleaning.

I fight: with myself.

I write: each night.

I win: when I don't give in.

I lose: things around the house.

I never: smoke.

I confuse: myself.

I listen: to my intuition.

I can usually be found: putzing around.

I am scared: to become stagnant.

I need: faith.

 

 

 

 

I'm sad to say I'd forgotten 9/11.  Well not forgotten but had become numb.  Desensitized.  Indifferent.

 

I'm none of those things any longer.

 

I just watched a heart wrenching documentary on 9/11.  102 Minutes That Changed America (History channel).  It was all video footage and audio recordings of people there as it happened.  You experienced the explosions, the running terrified through the streets, the being hit with a blackout cloud of ash, all of it.

 

I lost it when it went to shot of people hanging out of windows waving flags hoping for fresher cooler air, hoping for rescue and not realizing that in twenty minutes they would be dead.

 

Later I thought how sad it would be for those innocents of Middle Eastern descent and how their world was about to change tenfold.

 

I remember where I was that day.  I was at work until midnight supporting the NYC hospitals with their pharmaceutical needs.  I was horrified.  I was heart broken.

 

And I won't forget again.

 

 

 

Five weeks ago Steve and I took up the 100 Push Ups Challenge.  Supposedly after six weeks of training you'll be able to do 100 or more consecutive push ups.  So far I can do over 40 consecutive push ups but I haven't actually pushed to see how far I can go.  And to think I couldn't do one push up when we started! 

 

If floor push ups are too hard you can try any of the varities--they all count in this challenge--knee, wall, bench and knuckle.  Figure out which is best for you and go from there.

 

After eight rounds tonight I've done a total of 170 push ups.  I feel great (each week is a mini accomplishment) and I'm seeing results.  Woohoo! 

 

Anyway, click here for the official website.

 

...to quote my husband.

 

How crappy is it to know Micheal Phelps won the gold when according to my "live" broadcast he doesn't race for another half hour?

 

Stupid NBC.  Stupid internet. 

 

Sigh.

 

I wanted to title this "Is it Child Abuse if She's Not My Child?"

 

With the advent of IM'ing and now texting spelling and grammar have both taken a back seat to stupidity.

 

It drives me crazy. 

 

And makes me feel old.  I'm only 30 yet I feel such a separation from the younger generation. 

 

Here's an example of what I hate (and no, this is not a text message but a question on a message board):  omg!! i love this book but 4got wat book it is and by who ohkai...its like there are these manicansor wateva they called. the dolls the big ones that wear clothes and yu see them on the window in a store when yu go shopin...

 

Seriously?  My brain boycotted before I could finish the girl's question.  Let's ignore the fact she feels the need to explain what a mannequin is and the fact she makes OK longer than necessary.  I want to slap her and all the kids who write like this with a dictionary...hard.  Really hard.  What's even worse than this blatant violation of the English language and my apparent violent streak is the girl above and all the others all exclaim they want to become writers! 

 

Sure I don't always use the most proper of punctuation (I do admit to rampant comma abuse), however I spell words correctly 98% of the time.  I also try to follow basic grammatical rules.  I don't cop out with Hooked On Stupidity eubonics.

 

Ugh!

 

 

So I was thinking.  Why not write on here still?  Doesn't have to be frequent, just a thought or two every once in a while.  At the moment I'm watching Katamari stalk a box of pretzels.  Empty box of pretzels.  It's been on the shelf for a month or two now yet tucked away enough that Steve and I forget about it.  So it stays.

 

Anyway.  My book is coming along.  I type each night.  Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's a sentence.  But still, it's something.  Actually this new found discipline of mine (which has spread to the gym) has me writing two books.  I'm suddenly the Dr. Frankenstein to Discipline.  Or am I the monster?  I don't know.  I'm confused but regardless progess is being made.

 

 

I'm not saying it's forever, but definitely for now.  But don't fret my fellow bloggers I'll still be checking in with you guys and leaving comments.