Dad is back in the hospital.  One of the maintainence chemos (administered in the hospital) knocked him out of commission for a bit.  First his kidneys started failing, they're finally back on the mend, and now he has a nasty chest infection.  The main thing the chemo does is stops cell production, so Dad's throat, mouth and lips are extremely and most painfully sore.  With the cells unable to replicate his throat, mouth and lips can't heal.  Which means he can't swallow and the constant coughing up of fluid is wrecking havoc.

 

Oy vey.

 

I'm still exhausted and Dad being ill adds more stress which compounds my exhaustion.  Anyway, suddenly Dad can't be alone in the hospital which means I'm there longer than I should be.  But he's my dad, what else would I do?  On top of that, it seems my strength of sleep med isn't working out anymore.  I dread increasing the dosage because there's only so far I can go with this med.  After I hit the max and it no longer works what else is there for me to use?  Nothing, this is the top of line medication.

 

Double oy vey.

 

 

 

Dad continues to recover though he is losing more and more hair each day.  His maintainence chemo continues, we misunderstood the doctor thinking chemo was over.  However, I've been sick for almost a week now and haven't been able to see dad as he can't risk an infection.  Thankfully my in-laws have been driving him around.

 

 

 

Dad is officially in remission!

 

He needed a blood transfusion this week which has helped him out greatly.  I don't know if another one will be required, not a big deal if he does.  Actually his body will now be able to replenish its blood supply without worrying about the leukemia and chemo destroying what it makes.

 

I can't tell you how much of a rollarcoaster this has been for me.  I was constantly swinging between calm and peaceful to depressed and afraid.  Quite tiring.  I feel a bit feckless, like I should have had faith during the bad times too but I let my fear win out every time.  Hopefully lesson learned.

 

Anyway, we are through the worst and hopefully it will be a good long while before the leukemia returns.

 

 

 

Good news.  Dad's leukemia is going into remission!  So unexpected but very welcomed. 

 

So just five days left of chemo.  Then a lumbar pick to make sure the cancer didn't travel to the spinal canal.  After that a biopsy of bone marrow to officially say the leukemia is in remission.

 

Happy day!!

 

 

 

Well the chemo has officially kicked in.  Dad is weak and very tired, he lost his appetite and his mouth is so sensitive that even if he had an appetite it's hard to eat.  But his spirit is still there, so that's the good thing.  Also his white blood count is 0.6 (it should be in the 4.0 - 11.0 range) which means he can't fight any type of infection no matter how minor so we're all extremely careful wearing masks and washing our hands and disinfecting surfaces or just calling him when we have any type of cold symptoms. 

 

And of course my fear of losing him has resurfaced.  I don't recall ever being so fearful in all my life.  Maybe dreading a class because I didn't do a project or facing my parents with a bad report card but nothing like this.  My dad tells me I'm trying to do things (like calm my fear) with my head when I need to be doing it with my heart.  I know he's right but...

 

 

 

Dad continues to do well despite the fact the chemo side effects should...well, be in effect.  It's still early yet but if now is any indicator of how this process is going to go then the outlook looks quite bright.  Praise God!

 

 

 

Lest you think my last entry about Dad has left me despondent, fear not.  While definitely shocking I am (mostly) at peace with things because my dad is at peace with things.  So many good things have happened because of the cancer.  So many people's lives have been touched because of my dad.  So many blessings created out of tragedy, how can I stay upset?

 

Dad came home from the hospital last Saturday.  We went to chemo this week (his second week of it) and all seems to be going well.  Though he was sad about learning he'll lose his beard due but now he's okay with it and even plans on shaving his head at the first sign of fall out.  Actually he looks better than he has in the past couple of months.  His strength is back, before the diagnosis and treatment simply walking exhausted him almost beyond what his body could handle.  His color is back too.  He had been gray for so long I had forgotten what he should look like.

 

And Christmas was beautiful.  My aunt and uncle came down from Phoenix to join us and my in-laws.  Everyone cooked which is a big deal because my dad is the chef and the kitchen is his kingdom.  Instead dad walked around giving advice thoroughly enjoying the togetherness of making dinner.  Talk was fast and free flowing and the love for each was tangible.  It really was lovely and a Christmas I won't soon forget.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!!

 

 

 

I borrowed this idea from Evelyn Jane, her blog is truly one of my favorites reads and if you haven't checked it out do it now! 

 

I am: too comfortable.

I think: too much.

I know: less than I'd like to.

I want: to accomplish my dreams.

I have: a wonderful husband.

I wish: for an ice cream Dove bar.  Mmm...

I hate: ignorance.

I miss: my best friend.

I fear: losing Steve.

I feel: many things, sometimes I feel too much.

I hear: a song playing.

I smell: my strawberry chapstick.

I crave: sunshine.

I search: my heart.

I wonder: if God is real.

I regret: nothing.

I love: books.

I ache: for answers.

I care: for my family.

I always: giggle about giggling when I'm tired.

I am not: as ditzy as I seem.

I belive: in love, in respect, in compassion.

I dance: when alone.

I sing: all of the time.

I don't always: feel like cleaning.

I fight: with myself.

I write: each night.

I win: when I don't give in.

I lose: things around the house.

I never: smoke.

I confuse: myself.

I listen: to my intuition.

I can usually be found: putzing around.

I am scared: to become stagnant.

I need: faith.